I have decided, in the wake of strop, to become a fashion guru, in the style of St. Trinian Susannah. Therefore, before advising one upon which knickerbocker will enperten ones saggy bits, I think it wise to make everyone feel just a little bit rubbish about the body they were born with, which appears to work and breathe and stuff but just doesn’t make men do the mating jig around them at all times, never mind resembling Britney Spears in her prime.
Straight Body Type
If you have a straight body, you probably like cheese on toast and have it for breakfast when you don’t think anyone else will ever find out. Your favourite type of jokes are the ‘knock knock’ variety and you enjoy telling them to your Auntie Doreen when she comes round for a cup of tea, even though you know she’s not your real aunt because she just lived next door when your Grandma was peaking. Your Myspace page still exists and right now – yes, right now, – you are scrabbling to find it and delete it before anybody else prints it off and saves it to stick up around your place of work for every birthday you’ll ever have. Also, you apparently have a straight body, but nobody’s really sure what that means because all bodies bend even if you can’t do a backflip into a crab.
Oval Body Type
There ain’t no corners on you. Because of your oval body type, you missed a bus once. You love or hate marmite and you have a cousin called Jennifer who was always your Grandma’s favourite. When you missed the bus, you didn’t cry but you did consider complaining to the bus company until you realised that you’d looked at the Saturday timetable when it was, in fact, a Sunday. At that point, you skulked home quietly.
Pear Body Type
Sometimes, juice spurts out of you unintentionally if you’re squeezed too hard. You’re a sensitive type who bruises easily and sometimes you feel cut up. Your favourite time of year is autumn because that’s when someone scoops you up and stores you in a barn (or articulated fridge these days because that’s safety). You like people to think you’re really hard, but if they keep you for long enough, they’ll find out that you turn soft eventually.
Inverted Triangle Body Type
This is rather impertinent, actually. Whose job is it to decide which the ‘right way up’ for a triangle is anyway? Rude.
Spoon Body Type
If life is a tub of ice-cream, you know just how to scoop the most out of it. You have a secret addiction to Shania (say, ‘Shane-ee-ah’ because we’re not actually in the midwest, you know) Twain but you’d never admit it to anybody because you like people to think you’re hard. You like pepperoni on your pizza and milk on your cereal. One day, you might grow a moustache.
Hourglass Body Type
You spend your whole life aware that time is ticking away. But sometimes you forget about it and enjoy a Nandos anyway because life is too short to stuff a mushroom. Some hourglasses are vegetarian, and others aren’t, but you probably tried it for three days when you were going through an emo phase as a teenager because you cared about the animals.
Top Hourglass Body Type
You’re the same as an hourglass body type really, apart from you think you’re above them.
Diamond Body Type
You’ve never tried coconut water, making you both very rare and desirable by the Russian government, who know that you can avoid something disgusting and overhyped. Sometimes you wear pyjamas all day long and then panic that it’s the beginning of the end. Once, you rested your hand on a bald man’s head on the bus by accident. You prefer windows to doors, or doors to windows. You’re as hard as they come and have two pairs of parallel lines.
A TOP TOP TOP TIP FOR ALL READERS FROM YOUR STYLE GURU
It is very important that you find out which body type is yours by pinching bits of you that you don’t like and then getting the tape measure out from the garage and measuring everything from different starting points, in inches and centimetres to see which sounds better. Then, give everything a quick google to find out exactly how much less desirable your body is that Kimmy K’s. Probably it is best to beat yourself up just a little bit for the rest of your life and then only wear clothes that Heat tells you that your specific body type can wear. Usually with a ruffle to hide a bit of you that you really don’t need to hide. You will also have a breakdown on the morning of your best friend’s wedding because the ruffle makes you look like a cross between a sea cucumber and your Grandma at Christmas.
Alternatively, remember that your friends didn’t choose you because you look like a spoon; take up country dancing and wear whatever the flip you want because clothes are about expressing your personality, not hiding bits of you that someone else reckons you should hide.