April 2020

It has been a long, hard winter. A winter of restriction and of desperation; a winter where I returned to starvation because I thought – yet again – I had found the answer in my own diminishment, where I strove for a painful state of perfect. The winter was concrete grey. Flat. And now, we […]

Small Changes

At the beginning of this year, I wrote a blog post about how I was going to do things differently in 2019. As I remember it, I was going to take up yoga and stop drinking. I had a vision of becoming a sort of self-possessed highly spiritual being. I forgot that I can’t carry […]

Inside Outside

When I was eleven, I stopped talking to people. [This isn’t a ‘woe is me’ tale because I don’t feel sorry for myself: my life ain’t bad really.] It started when I was bullied. It’s commonly known and accepted that bullying does that to people. I was embarrassed to share what was happening to me […]

Never Enough

I am travelling back from an RSC production of A Christmas Carol. It’s not late but it could be. I’m listening to my iPod. Loud. The Greatest Showman. Clichéd, yes. Do I care? Not really. You reach an age when impressing others with your music choices ceases to matter. I’ve not a lot to write […]

For Every Season

Imagine that you’re shining a torch on an orange. Actually, don’t bother: I tried that and it gets confusing when you’ve got shaky hands. Imagine Space. The Milky Way, to be precise, because doing the whole thing in one go is quite hard. Zoom in and you’ll find our Solar System. There, you’ll find eight […]

Take the Leap

When I was stuck in the revolting, painful cycle of restriction before my admission, I used to sit up in the middle of the night typing out ‘if not now then when?’ onto endless Word documents. The problem was that I had no intention – however much I desperately wanted to get better – of […]

Why You Should Never Shut Up

Something I saw on social media just made me think. When I think, I write. I was bullied at school. This is something you probably already know. Some of you were those bullies. What I’ve just remembered is being eleven years old. I remember getting off the school bus in the morning. My face still […]

Animal Brains and Armies

I’ve had a difficult week this week. I have described it to myself like this: a switch in my head flicked, possibly around Wednesday, and my animal brain took over. Unfortunately, it appears that my animal brain is the part that controls my anorexia. It will be hard to understand for people whose brains simply […]

are you my friend?

Being me is, for many reasons, frustrating. Being my friend is probably, for many of the same reasons and also many different ones, more frustrating. I had a rough start to friendship when it really counts (ie. at secondary school where, if you’ve read any of my blog, you’ll know that things weren’t exactly great) […]

A Post About my Weight

I have been weighed every week (at least once; sometimes twice) since December 2012. That’s approximately four hundred and seventy six times. Today – September 19th 2017 – I was weighed for the last time. I promised, when I started this blog, that it was going to be about neither weight nor me. You’re going […]