April 2020

It has been a long, hard winter. A winter of restriction and of desperation; a winter where I returned to starvation because I thought – yet again – I had found the answer in my own diminishment, where I strove for a painful state of perfect. The winter was concrete grey. Flat. And now, we […]

Small Changes

At the beginning of this year, I wrote a blog post about how I was going to do things differently in 2019. As I remember it, I was going to take up yoga and stop drinking. I had a vision of becoming a sort of self-possessed highly spiritual being. I forgot that I can’t carry […]

Inside Outside

When I was eleven, I stopped talking to people. [This isn’t a ‘woe is me’ tale because I don’t feel sorry for myself: my life ain’t bad really.] It started when I was bullied. It’s commonly known and accepted that bullying does that to people. I was embarrassed to share what was happening to me […]

Never Enough

I am travelling back from an RSC production of A Christmas Carol. It’s not late but it could be. I’m listening to my iPod. Loud. The Greatest Showman. Clichéd, yes. Do I care? Not really. You reach an age when impressing others with your music choices ceases to matter. I’ve not a lot to write […]

For Every Season

Imagine that you’re shining a torch on an orange. Actually, don’t bother: I tried that and it gets confusing when you’ve got shaky hands. Imagine Space. The Milky Way, to be precise, because doing the whole thing in one go is quite hard. Zoom in and you’ll find our Solar System. There, you’ll find eight […]

Take the Leap

When I was stuck in the revolting, painful cycle of restriction before my admission, I used to sit up in the middle of the night typing out ‘if not now then when?’ onto endless Word documents. The problem was that I had no intention – however much I desperately wanted to get better – of […]

Why You Should Never Shut Up

Something I saw on social media just made me think. When I think, I write. I was bullied at school. This is something you probably already know. Some of you were those bullies. What I’ve just remembered is being eleven years old. I remember getting off the school bus in the morning. My face still […]