I can’t remember the conversation I had with the child. I can’t even remember whether the child was a boy or a girl. But I know the child’s mother came back from wherever she had been – probably the toilet – and called the child away. I was weird. I had just thrown a whole […]Read More …keep going…[or] the worst day of my life and the pain it left that has since got less painful
I’ve had a difficult week this week. I have described it to myself like this: a switch in my head flicked, possibly around Wednesday, and my animal brain took over. Unfortunately, it appears that my animal brain is the part that controls my anorexia. It will be hard to understand for people whose brains simply […]Read More Animal Brains and Armies
There was a time, when I was in third year at university, that my friendships had gone a bit wrong. I was lonely, confused, frightened and very, very sad. There was a boy in my year, who I didn’t know particularly know, but knew well enough to have a conversation with. As I sat, crying, […]Read More Random Acts of Kindness
I’ve written about this before, but it’s something that I can never quite put my finger on. As much as I draft and redraft, analogise and explain, I can’t quite say what’s in my brain. The following is complete brain-splurge in the faint hope that some of it will make a little bit of sense. […]Read More Clinging on to Anorexia
I am sitting on my bed. It is Sunday and the radiator is slightly too warm on my back. I know I should be doing something: the blanket I’m crocheting for my therapist is on one side of me; I’m not sure whether there is anything I should be preparing for tomorrow’s English lesson, and […]Read More Motivation and where has it gone?
Again, this blog post isn’t going to be a long one because I haven’t got all that much to write about. However, I was thinking about how I wrote about bitchy girls the other night because I was feeling like a strong independent woman. Today, I am feeling extremely grateful for the unbitchy/non-bitchy/lovely girls (and […]Read More Unbitchy Girls (and also the males too)
There is nothing worse than a bitchy girl. I haven’t got much to say on this subject, apart from the fact that I haven’t got time for bitchy girls anymore. I can’t be bothered to waste my time on people who are my best friend and love me very much one day and then, the next, […]Read More Bitchy Girls
This is a topic I keep returning to. It’s something that I think about in bed; in the shower; whilst I’m at work, and also something that my therapist asks me every time I see her. What do I want to achieve? What are my goals? This is scary for two reasons. Reason Number One is that I honestly […]Read More What is “Recovery”?
“Basically,”, says one of my besties and wise woman of the forest, “Your anxiety is actually a tiny weeny cat bitch in your head called Shahaznay and Shahaznay basically wants you to hate yourself and tells you everyone hates you and thinks you’ve been a dick. But, then, what you have to do it be […]Read More Shahaznay the Anxiety Cat
Anorexia is not a life choice. Recovery is. That’s the best thing about it – you can choose it. And if you forget to choose recovery one day, you can still choose recovery again the next. Also, it’s amazing. I’m not saying, of course, that it’s always fantastic and wonderful and skipping through the daises […]Read More Ana-who?